Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
