My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
