I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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