So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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