My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
