now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
