so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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