So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
