there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
