So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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