Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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