I wish my penis had an off switch
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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