I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
