both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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