We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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