note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
