Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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