All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
