i'm signing you up for texting rehab
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
