The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize