she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
