I feel great
I just peed on a car
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
