The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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