I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
