Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
