I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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