someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
