I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
