my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
