ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
