woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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