That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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