oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
