Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
