ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
