Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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