I wanna passion pit in your ass
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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