Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
