her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He did a backflip because drugs
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
