I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
