I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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