I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
