i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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