I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
