i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
