Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Randomize
