Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
sarcasm needs its own font
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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