I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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