I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Boobs are out for the taking
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
