Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
