Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
