I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
