I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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