what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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