I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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