hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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