I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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