Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
