I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
