Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My vagina is officially offended.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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