just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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