My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
