He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
