Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
