I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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