sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
